Is my child’s or teen's behaviour defiance- or something deeper?

When a child resists a request, refuses to cooperate, acts defiantly or shuts down, our immediate interpretation is often that they are choosing behaviour intentionally: that they won’t comply. We label it as defiance, oppositional behaviour, wilful disobedience. But what if that interpretation is missing something important? What if the real story is that the child can’t comply- not yet- because something is getting in the way: anxiety, overwhelm, demand-avoidance or a skill gap.

Dr. Ross Greene’s work invites us to shift our lens: instead of assuming children do well if they want to, we assume they do well if they can — and when they don’t, something is impeding them.

It’s usually about skills, not willpower when it comes to your child’s or teen's behaviour

At the heart of Dr. Greene’s approach is the recognition that many children who appear to be “behaving badly” are in fact lacking certain underlying skills that they need to successfully meet expectations. In his article “Kids Do Well If They Can”, Greene writes:

The philosophy that serves as the foundation … is ‘kids do well if they can.’ He contrasts this with the more common-or default- belief: “kids do well if they want to.” The difference is more than semantic. It changes the way we see the child, the way we respond, and the way we intervene.

What do we mean by “skills”? These are the internal capacities children need to handle life’s demands:

• Flexibility and adaptability (shifting from one activity to another, changing plans)

• Frustration tolerance and emotion regulation (staying calm or regulated when things don’t go as expected)

• Problem-solving and thinking ahead (seeing how to handle a task, anticipating difficulties)

• Executive functioning: organising, sequencing, maintaining focus, regulating impulses. Many children lag in these.

• Communication and expressing needs: when a child feels upset, overwhelmed, or anxious, but cannot name it or communicate it, behaviour becomes the message.

  
  

  When a child is lacking one or more of these skills, demands placed upon them start to feel overwhelming or impossible. It’s the mismatch between what we expect and what they can manage.

  
  

  Why is this so important? 

  Because when we understand that your child's or teen's behaviour is more about a skill gap than a wilful refusal, our response shifts. Instead of “What’s wrong with you?” we ask, “What’s getting in your way? What haven't you yet developed? How can I support you in building that skill?”

  
  

  In practice, this means that when a child struggles to transition between activities, refuses to get dressed for school, or reacts with a meltdown to a seemingly minor request, the root cause may be their missing skill of flexibility, shifting attention, sequencing. Without that skill they literally can’t do the expectation the way we also means that labels like “defiant,” “manipulative,” or “oppositional” risk being inaccurate and harmful- because they assume choice and will rather than difficulty and inability.

  
  

  Greene states that many children with behavioural challenges don’t lack motivation; they lack capacity. From this perspective, our role shifts from enforcing compliance to supporting competence. We become skill-builders rather than disciplinarians. We ask not “How do I get them to behave?” but “How do I enable them to meet expectations?” Recognising this is the first step. But then we must look at the second dimension: the expectations themselves and how they interact with the child’s capacity.

When expectations feel too hard

We all have expectations of children: get dressed, eat breakfast, go to school, complete homework, share toys, transition from a game to dinner time, listen to a request. Most children meet these expectations most of the time. But for some children- particularly those experiencing anxiety, sensory sensitivities, executive-function delays, or demand avoidance- those expectations may feel overwhelming. They are being asked to do things that outstrip their ability in that moment.

Dr. Greene explains:

“Challenging behaviour occurs when the demands being placed upon a child outstrip the skills he has to respond adaptively to those demands.”

In other words: the expectation is fine, the request is fair — but for the child it may not be manageable given their current skill set and context.

What can make an expectation feel too hard?

• The task is complex: multiple steps, memory required, sequencing, attention. E.g., “Get ready for school: pack lunch, brush teeth, get dressed, pack bag, walk to bus.”

• The child is anxious or overwhelmed or sensory overloaded: making it harder for them to engage. For example, transitions may cause sensory distress (noise, bright lights, unexpected change).

• The environment is high-demand and low support: many instructions, distractions, little scaffolding.

• The child lacks one or more of the necessary skills: perhaps the child easily gets stuck in rigid thinking, inflexible routines, cannot shift tasks, or cannot regulate emotions when change occurs.

• Demand avoidance: when a child perceives a task as threatening, overwhelming or as exposing their weakness, they may try to avoid it altogether. While it may look like defiance, at its heart is fear, incompetence or vulnerability rather than a desire to upset.

Understanding this helps shift how we respond. Instead of escalating demands or punishing the refusal, we might ask:

• What part of this request is triggering? The tablet ending? The homework start?

• What skill is needed here that is weak: shifting attention? Emotional regulation? Persistence on a difficult task?

• How can we scaffold or adapt the expectation so the child can succeed- and gradually build capacity? This perspective also helps us interpret demand-avoidance behaviours. When a child sees a demand and their internal response is “I will fail” or “I can’t cope,” the easiest route is avoidance- refusal, procrastination, meltdown. It is not wilful defiance; it is an internal protective response.If we respond with demands, threats or punishments, we’re likely to escalate the mismatch. That leads us to the next section.

What happens when we push harder

When we perceive a child’s behaviour as defiance, our instinct is often to push harder: impose consequences, increase demands, apply stricter discipline, raise our voice, give fewer choices, escalate. In traditional behaviour management frameworks this makes sense (“If you don’t comply, consequence”). Yet from the “kids do well if they can” lens, this is exactly the moment when things tend to deteriorate.

Here’s why:

• When the child is already overwhelmed- the demand exceeds their capacity- applying more pressure increases their stress. Their brain moves further away from regulated functioning into survival mode (fight-flight-freeze).

• In survival mode, the child’s cognitive resources shrink: they are less able to problem-solve, less able to reflect, less able to manage emotions. So pushing harder often leads to stronger resistance, sabotage, meltdown or shutdown.

• The adult experience of this often is: we issue a demand, the child refuses, we threaten, the child escalates, we punish, the child disengages or acts out. We interpret that as “they just won’t obey”- yet the root is still the skill gap plus the demand overload.

Dr. Greene writes:

“The essential function of challenging behaviour is to communicate to adults that a kid doesn’t possess the skills to handle certain demands in certain situations.”

What to do instead: Get to the root cause, identify skills, collaborate

If you’re reading this and thinking: “Okay, this makes sense- but what do I do about it?”- here are actionable steps aligned with Dr. Greene’s model (known as the Collaborative & Proactive Solutions, or CPS, model) that can help turn the insight into real change.

Start with a mindset shift

• Begin with the assumption: My child wants to do well, but sometimes they can’t.

• Replace thoughts like “He refuses,” “She’s defiant,” or “He’s lazy” with “What’s in the way of him doing this?”

• Realise that you are not in conflict with the child — you are in a relationship with a child who needs support.This shift changes how you respond in the moment and in planning.

  
  

Identify lagging skills and unsolved problems

Dr. Greene asks adults to think of two classes of variables:

• Lagging skills: what the child hasn’t yet mastered (e.g., shifting tasks, frustration tolerance, starting a boring task, regulating emotions).

• Unsolved problems: the specific expectations the child is having difficulty meeting (e.g., “When asked to pack their bag in the morning they stall and don’t complete it,” or “When transitioning from play to dinner the child has a meltdown”). You can use tools such as the ASUP (Assessment of Skills and Unsolved Problems) developed by Dr. Greene to map this out.

  
  

Reduce the demand / increase the support

Once you’ve identified where the mismatch is, your job is to reduce the gap:

• Reduce the demand: simplify tasks, break them into smaller steps, provide more time, give additional support, reduce distractions.

• Increase the support: pre-teach a part of the task, provide scaffolding, give check-ins, build in breaks, allow choice, create a calmer context. By doing this you give the child a chance to experience success. Success builds confidence and capacity.

  
  

Collaborate and problem-solve together

Here is where CPS really shines. The process is roughly: Empathy Step → Define the Problem Step → Invitation to Solve.

• Empathy Step: You talk with the child: ask about their perspective, what makes the task hard, what they feel when the request is made.

• Define Problem Step: Then you share your concerns (adult perspective): “I’m worried that if your bag isn’t packed we’ll miss the bus.” Without blame or threat.

• Invitation to Solve: Then you together brainstorm solutions that work for both of you.

  
  

Build skills intentionally

Collaborative problem-solving is not just about solving that one task; it’s about teaching skills so the child can do more in the future.Some strategies:

• Practice mini-tasks: Break tasks into smaller chunks and practise them when the child is calm and supported, not just in crisis.

• Model and coach emotion regulation: When the child is calm, reflect back: “I noticed when you heard the request you looked worried. What were you thinking? What could we try next time if it feels like too much?”

• Work on flexibility: Use games or transitions as practice zones (e.g., change plans in a game, invite the child to help plan a change).

• Use visual supports: For children who struggle with sequencing or shifting, visual checklists, timers, countdowns can help scaffold.

• Celebrate competence & progress: Focus on what the child did manage rather than only what they failed. This builds confidence and reinforces that “I can”.

Support the underlying emotional & sensory context

Often the skills-gap and behaviour occur in a broader context of anxiety, sensory overload, fatigue, transitions, or unmet needs (hungry, overwhelmed, overstimulated). Before and alongside the CPS steps consider:

• Is the child physically well-rested, fed, not overstimulated?

• Is the environment calm enough to support the task?

• Are there predictable routines and supports around transitions?

• Is the child emotionally regulated enough to engage in the problem-solving? If the child is in the heat of a meltdown, you may need regulation first then problem-solve later.

If you find yourself frequently thinking: “He’s just being defiant,” or “She won’t listen though I’ve asked nicely,” take a moment to reframe: “What is getting in the way of them being able to do this?” That simple shift opens up entirely different paths. Dr. Greene’s work reminds us that children aren’t typically misbehaving out of spite, laziness, or manipulation. They’re struggling with something. And when we respond with support rather than coercion, we give them a chance to build the skills they need, feel capable and trusted- and ultimately meet our expectations not because they have to, but because they can. In doing so, we also break the cycle of frustration, power struggles and mistrust. We move into collaboration, growth, capacity building. We invest not just in compliance, but in competence and connection.If you’re wondering whether your child’s behaviour is “just defiance” or something deeper like anxiety, overwhelm or demand-avoidance, this framework will help you explore the latter possibility, and act differently. Because when you help your child build the capacity and reduce the mismatch, you don’t just eliminate the behaviour- you empower the child.

Do you want to explore Collaborative and Proactive Solutions Model further with your family? Book your Free Proactive Parenting Breakthrough call.

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