How to Deal with a Child with ADHD and Behaviour Problems

When you’re parenting a child with ADHD and behaviour problems, every day can feel like a battlefield.

One moment things are fine—and the next, your child is melting down because their toast is cut the “wrong way” or they’ve been asked to turn off their game. You’ve tried sticker charts. Consequences. Rewards. Yelling. Calm voices. Warnings. Nothing seems to work for long.

Sound familiar?

If so, you’re not alone—and your child is not broken.

This article offers a different way forward—one based not on controlling behaviour, but on understanding it. Drawing on the science of ADHD as outlined by experts like Dr. Russell Barkley and the Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS) approach developed by Dr. Ross Greene, you’ll discover how to move from daily power struggles to meaningful, skill-building solutions.

💥 First, Understand the Real Nature of ADHD

ADHD is not a behaviour disorder.

It’s a developmental delay in the brain’s self-regulation system—especially in the executive functions: skills like impulse control, emotional regulation, planning, flexibility, and self-awareness.

That means your child isn’t choosing to be defiant, distracted, or reactive. They're struggling with skills that other kids develop more easily.

Dr. Barkley famously said:

“ADHD is not a disorder of knowing what to do. It’s a disorder of doing what you know.”

So when your child is refusing to get ready for school, melting down over transitions, or lashing out when frustrated—it’s not about manipulation or attention-seeking. It’s about lagging skills and unsolved problems.

❗ Punishments and Rewards Often Backfire for ADHD child with behaviour problems

Traditional approaches like time-outs, sticker charts, and consequences are based on the assumption that behaviour is a choice. But if your child can’t regulate themselves or solve problems flexibly, punishing them for it won’t teach them how.

You wouldn’t punish a child for not being able to read fluently—so why punish them for not managing frustration or shifting gears?

In fact, power-based strategies often increase resistance and meltdowns in ADHD children. Why?

Because they activate the stress response—leading to fight, flight, or freeze. Your child might become oppositional, withdrawn, aggressive, or shut down. And you’re left walking on eggshells.

💡 What Does Help? A Collaborative Approach That Builds Skills for Life

Traditional strategies focus on stopping behaviour in the moment. But the CPS (Collaborative and Proactive Solutions) model goes deeper—it helps children build the skills they’re missing.

Instead of asking, “How do I get them to behave?” CPS encourages you to ask,

“What’s making this hard for them?”

Because kids do well if they can. And if they’re not, it’s not about motivation—it’s about skill gaps in areas like flexibility, frustration tolerance, emotional regulation, and problem-solving.

What makes CPS so powerful is that it doesn’t just reduce explosive behaviour. It helps your child:

• Feel heard and understood

• Develop the language to express their struggles

• Learn to take another person’s perspective

• Practice solving problems with a partner, not in opposition

• Build confidence and trust in their own voice

And it helps you, as a parent, step out of the power struggle cycle and into a more connected, peaceful dynamic with your child.

This isn’t permissive parenting. It’s proactive, respectful, and focused on real long-term growth—for both of you.

🧠 ADHD Kids Need More Practice, Not More Punishment

ADHD isn’t about laziness or bad parenting. It’s a brain-based delay in self-regulation, especially in executive function skills like impulse control, emotional regulation, working memory, and flexible thinking.

That means your child might know what to do… but can’t do it consistently—especially in moments of stress, transitions, or frustration.

Think of it like this: if a child struggles with reading, we don’t punish them for not reading fluently. We scaffold their learning. We give them extra time, targeted strategies, and lots of practice.

It’s the same with ADHD.

Your child isn’t giving you a hard time—they’re having a hard time. And what they need most isn’t another lecture or consequence. It’s:

• Co-regulation in the moments they feel out of control

• Structure and predictability to help them feel safe and less overwhelmed

• Collaborative problem-solving that teaches them how to manage challenges instead of avoiding or exploding over them

These things take practice. Repetition. Support. And yes—patience.

So instead of saying:

“Why can’t you just listen?” Try:“Looks like this is hard right now. Let’s figure it out together.”

That small shift in language communicates something powerful:I’m here with you. You’re not alone in this. We can solve it together.

When you parent this way, you’re not just managing meltdowns—you’re helping your child develop lifelong skills to manage their emotions, handle demands, and become more independent.

Because ADHD doesn’t mean your child can’t succeed. It just means they need a different kind of support to get there.”

❤️ Final Thoughts: You’re Not a Bad Parent—and They’re Not a Bad Kid

You’re parenting a child with a very real, very misunderstood brain-based difference. And they’re doing the best they can with the skills they have.

Your job isn’t to control them—it’s to help them build the skills they’re missing.

Yes, it’s hard.Yes, you’ll lose your cool sometimes.But when you shift from punishment to partnership, everything changes.

You don’t have to do this alone. If you’re ready to learn how to apply CPS in your home, support your child’s ADHD brain, and bring calm back to your family…

👉 Book your Free Proactive Parenting Breakthrough call HERE

No more guessing. No more power struggles. Just clarity, calm, and connection. Because when we stop trying to “fix” behaviour—and start solving problems—everyone wins.